Smile For Me
by kooritenshi
Summary: A series of 'guess-who' fics in someone's POV. [chapter 3 added]
1. For Me

Smile For Me  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the ff8 characters...squaresoft does...  
  
Author's Note: you can make this person whoever you want it to be...  
  
Sometimes I feel like a spy. I'm watching every move you make.You never notice me anymore. You never talk to me like we used to. It's as if I never did ever exist in your life. I never made any difference. I wish I could go back to the time when you actually cared about me. Maybe we could be friends again. You say we still are, but what kind of friends never talk to eachother? I don't think you even recognize me anymore... I used to take it pretty well, cheered by the fact that you told me, "Friends forever." So maybe we'll always be friends, distant friends that never talk. But at least you still count me as a friend...right?  
  
I saw you yesterday, talking to one of your better friends. I guess you could feel someone looking at you. You always could tell what I was up to, but you don't let on about that anymore... When you turned around, you smiled. I thought---hoped, you were smiling at me. The person I knew so well shone through your friendly, good-natured smile...  
  
Before you met her and left me here. But no, you weren't smiling at me, you were looking past me at someone else. It hurts a lot now, I'm happy for you two...but why couldn't it be me with your arms around me? Why couldn't she be with someone else? ...why did she take you from me...? She was my friend... You said then, that you'd never, ever loved me before, but the way you joked with me then... everything you did led on that you did, like me before you met her... I miss you so much... I'm just not good enough to deserve you though...  
  
If only I'd taken chances while I could, and told you I loved you...but that's just me, I take risks, but not when it concerns telling people I love them. Not when it involves emotional risks. It's the emotional loss that gets to me. If you never talked to me again, if we weren't even friends anymore, I don't know what I would do. I will only take risks when it doesn't concern my emotional side. The pain of regret is hard on me, but you made it clear you don't want anything to do with me, so I'll be happy, if you are. That's all I can do. My life is turning to "What if's" and "If only's"...   
  
Smile for me, just one last time... 


	2. You Stole My Heart

You Stole My Heart  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the poem, I don't own the FF8 characters, or the quotes, blah blah blah, I'm just a kid going to high school [unwillingly] with a lousy GPA, ok?  
  
"Love and betrayal is a act of fate. Love is blind as far as the eye can see. Don't listen to your body or your eyes. Listen to your heart, it can guide you through fate's obstacles and in the end, you will find love."  
  
Ok, so now we're more or less friends again. I see you more often, but it's only because I'm friends with her. I get to talk to you more than I ever did in the past year...but it hurts. It hurts so much. Sometimes, I hate her, it hurts so much, watching the two of you together. I hate this, in a way. It's worse than never seeing you. Because I know I'll never have a chance with you. Even if I did...would I take it? I'd be too scared. I'd worry about hurting her. I hate never thinking for myself, I hate that I won't be selfish for myself, just once. But what am I saying? I'm talking as if I really do have a chance with you. You're with her. We go out to so many places together and I'm with you, alone with you, and not her, for a few minutes, maybe even an hour, at the most. But I'm nervous, scared. I have sudden impulses to start crying, to hug you, to tell you I love you.  
  
But I hold back. I can't tell you that, not when you love her as much as you do. What does she have that attracts you so much? I don't understand. I saw you smiling at her again, I'd do anything to have you smile at me again. I've listened to those words that my best friend has always told me, but it's only bought me misery and hopelessness. I'd do anything to make you understand. You stole my heart away, I wish you felt the same about me. I tried so hard to find the words that would capture you as her's captured you. I want you back.  
  
Yeah, I'm selfish, but I've loved you ever since I've known you. I'm angry, protective, and it's all because of you. I listened to my heart and it called out for you. I'm glad you're my friend again... but have you ever found someone you've dreamed of all your life only to find that they won't give their heart to you? Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there and all you can do is wait for the day when they would care? That's how I feel right now. I've tried and tried to let go, but as I've read from some book, "Love is like quicksand, the deeper you fall, the harder it is to get out." I thought I let go, I really did. It's fooled so many people. But I can't fool myself. I keep denying it, but I'm still in love with you.  
  
I wish I could turn back the hands of time and do my life over, from the day I first met you. I hoped you would understand, but I guess I was wrong...  
  
Look up the beautiful sky.  
The stars are shining brightly.  
Dreams fill the sky;  
People's dreams of love and peace.  
There are beautiful stars  
In everyone's heart.  
They shine graciously,  
For they are the stars of love.  
People sometimes forget  
The joy of life,  
The hope and wonderfulness of living.  
  
Yet sometimes I feel like there's no point in living, you don't care about me, and that's all I've ever wanted in life. I've forgotten the joys in life, but I put up a good front. They all believe I'm happy. Anything I've ever wanted, I never get. You are the one I want, and being with you will only exist in my dreams... Even that won't allow me to believe it's reality, because I always know it's just a dream. 


	3. Letting Go

Letting Go  
  
~*~  
Author's Note: Some of this actually happened, some in a dream...but this is another 'guess-who' fic; have fun, i think it's fairly easy...well..kinda... if you think a teensy weensy bit =] it was gonna be in the originals but those..never..get reviewed... soOoo here it is!!  
Due to lack of anything better to do since my internet connection broke down and I accidentally, and unintentionally got my brother hooked onto FF8, I can't do anything more than sit at my own computer and mourn the loss of my internet access, so why not write some more? By the way, those who guessed it was Quistis were right. ^-^  
  
Disclaimer: I really wish I owned all the FFs...you know, they're my initials and all, just as ff.net [fanfiction.net] has my initials too but since I am not lucky enough or privileged enough or smart enough or creative enough to ever hope to even DREAM of something as good as that and everything...soOooo.....hi Squaresoft!!!! *turns green* quotes aren't mine either, just some of the words, ['some' being all but the quotes] the thoughts, the storyline, the plot...yeah. :)  
  
"If I hadn`t met you, I wouldn`t like you. If I hadn`t liked you, I wouldn`t love you. If I hadn`t loved you, I wouldn`t miss you. But I did, I do, and I will..."  
  
I remember clearly the day our friendship ended. I guess it was all inevitable. You the admired girl magnet and me, who cared what I was. I'm surprised it ever lasted so long in the first place. We had been friends for only a year before this stupid fight, though I had known you for four years before. Slowly, we formed a cautious friendship. It seems as if, when I looked a little deeper, you were just like me. Sure, we were two different people. Our morals, dreams, hopes...they were all the same. You felt as if there was no one out there who cared about you, as I did. And we had both been hurt before by our so-called friends, if we could call them that. Afraid to trust again, it took months until we learned to open up to each other, pouring out our problems, seeking comfort, shelter in the other, and, above all, someone who would listen, and understand. The rest of the world was deaf to our pleas, deaf to anything we ever asked for, no matter how small. Unable to find anyone else, I guess you could say we were alone in this world. Alone together. That, however, made no sense. Then again, who cared about what made sense or not? We finally had someone who was willing to spend time with the other, someone willing to listen to our troubles and offer guidance and consolation.  
  
I'd known about you indirectly for years. Years before I actually met you for the first time. I heard a lot about you, I thought I would never meet you. What was the chance that I would? Those words came back to haunt me almost instantly.The following year when I left, the first person I lay eyes on. You. I fell for your best friend first. Then another one of your close friends.It took me years to get over them, and still, still, I'm not sure whether I have completely let go or not. He hinted that you were interested in me. But I was.. in him. I was blind with.....I guess you could say love, for him. And in the process, I tried to let go of you. I was attracted to you, to what you had to offer, to everything about you. Maybe you could be the one who would help me. Everyone insisted you were cold, distant, that you didn't care about anyone or anything, you were similar to a block of ice. To them. Me, you were the absolute opposite. Maybe it was only me, you did act somewhat cold to them. To me, however, you were warm, inviting, cheerful, I was surprised when I saw you smiling, laughing with me. I'd been led to believe you had never cracked a smile, you were incapable of feeling emotion. Then how was it that you seemed the opposite around me?  
  
They say you've changed since you met someone. That someone would be me. No one really knows the source of his supposed change, only that he's changed because he met someone, some mysterious girl... I am to remain unnamed and unknown forever. They'll never know it's me that changed him, that I'm the cause of everything. You could read my mind as easily as a book...like he used to... No matter how successful my facade had been for the day, whether I was feeling horrible and pretending to be cheerful, without a worry in the world, who knows how you managed to see through my mask. We could tell each other things we never could imagine telling another. I felt myself starting to trust again. It was implausible. I was visibly worried about something. You noticed something different, but I could never bring myself to tell you. So you accepted that there was a problem that I had to keep secret. That was ok, you kept something from me anyway. We were even. Exchanging long, lingering looks at each other, wondering, wondering if we could be anything more than friends? On my part, anyway. I don't know about you. I don't know how you felt.  
  
There's always been that time, where you assume something about someone. When it happens that you were wrong, you blow up at the person, instead of your own mistake. I've had more than my share of this incident, each time making a mental note not to do that again. I will never learn. I thought maybe, just maybe, you were starting to care about me, as I did for you. You showed it in your actions, since neither of us were good at expressing our feelings in words. You were protective of me, defensive and always there to fend off whoever or whatever might be threatening my life or my general well-being. I was never hurt when I was with you. I have to say, no one's ever done that for me. By this time, I'd given up hope in ever finding someone who would care about me as much as you seemed to, or did. I had a harder time expressing my feelings than you, it seems. So I never managed to tell you how I felt and doubt I ever will. We'd built walls around our hearts, walls of ice, filled with anger, self-doubt, hatred, jealousy, disgust, fear, a complete loss of any hope for the world. When we met each other, it chipped away, slowly, melting away into nothing. And here we are now. The one and only thing I've ever prided myself in is the fact that my facade is near inpenetratable. It's convincing enough to fool my best friends, friends, acquaintances, enemies, anyone--that is, anyone but you. You had a slightly easier time expressing your feelings; and I had less difficulty hiding my own.  
  
The truth is, I ..see what I mean? I can't even put it into words. I'd say I loved you. Love. What would that word mean to you? Upon hearing that word, I feel disgust. Love is pointless, a hopeless case and it never has a happy ending. It doesn't exist. So why say I love you and wreck our lives any further? Compassion, affection, attraction, I felt all of those when with you. I enjoyed your company as much as you did. As much as I'd love to say it, I think you felt the same way about me. But saying this makes it seem less believable. I was scared you didn't feel the same, that I would just be hurt again. There's no proof that you felt that way, the vibes you gave off, the thoughts that seemed to come from your head into mine, our own telepathic connection...It doesn't matter anymore though. I've lost everything, with nothing to gain, just as I knew I would. But does it make a difference? Our friendship's gone, everything's deteriorated into nothing. Nothing matters anymore. That word sounds so empty, so lifeless, it makes me feel like a hopeless nutcase. And what else would I be? Sitting here writing about you. The most I've ever written in my life about one single person.  
  
Parents. What thoughts does that word bring to you? It depends solely on how you were brought up. Mine have always pushed me to try harder, to do my absolute best in everything I did. It took the fun out of everything, the joy, the thrill of any little diversion I spent my time in. They used my favorite activities, the only things I ever enjoyed doing, to threaten me. I doubt they ever bothered to see who I really was. Selectively blind, you could call it. They saw what they wanted to see, like everyone else in the world. I was only loved if I fulfilled their wishes and dreams for me. Not my own. Theirs. I wanted to be loved for me, not what someone wanted me to be. Living my life for others became pointless. Until you came. You liked me for who I was, not who you envisioned I could become. I was grateful to finally find a person who felt this way about me. You didn't tell me that I had potential, I could become this if I really tried, I would be wasting my talent if I didn't use it. Don't those words become a sort of monotone after you hear it day and night? It annoys the life out of me. Even my supposed  
friends tell me I could if I tried. So what if I really was trying? Would they believe me? No. I loved and still do love you for appreciating the way I was and not attempting to change me like many others have tried to do.  
  
A difference of opinion led to our fight. One tiny difference. Not everyone's the same. I guess I was just trying to test you, to see how far I could really bring it until I'd pushed the limit. Stupid, but I wanted to know. But I brought it too far. I pushed it too much. Too hard. We were yelling at each other like there was no no tomorrow. People were staring, crowding around, spectators watching to see what the hell was going on. Us? Yelling? At each other? Headline news. They dissipated when some other 'big event' happened. Angry as you were, idiots nosing into your business was something you never tolerated before, so why should it change now? We reached the end of the argument when I said, "I wish I'd never known you." You looked at me with that penetrating stare of yours. I thought I saw a flicker of pain and hurt in your eyes and instantly wished I could take those words back, before they were even out of my mouth. How I managed to say that, I'll never know. Because meeting you healed me. Then you walked away coldly, like they always used to say you behaved. I'll regret those words to my dying day.  
  
I sank into the grass I'd been standing on. Crying, I think. The last time I ever cried, I don't even remember anymore. I didn't know I was even capable of crying still. Brought up learning that crying was a sign of weakness, I never showed it. It was pointless, and accomplished nothing, absolutely nothing. This was the one and only time I ever allowed the tears to fall freely. Because I'd lost. Lost everything I ever worked for. Defeated.  
  
I can still feel your arms around me. The night we danced a single dance together. I hadn't meant to crash into you. It wasn't my fault, you noticed, seeing a mischevious friend giggling behind me. Instead of looking angry like you usually would to anyone else, you smiled and circled your arms around my waist. Awkwardly, I'd put my arms around you and rested my head gently on your chest. You were taller than me then and now. I could feel your heartbeat, just a little faster than normal. Your hold on me was comforting, like a hug. I remember thinking, *Hold on to this memory. This is as close as you two will ever get. There's no way he would ever fall for someone like you. Friends. That's all you'll ever be.* The only time I've ever been right. I felt despair, anger at my own weakness that had never surfaced before I met you, jealousy of all the others who liked you. I was scared of being parted from you, held on tighter, even when the song had ended. I couldn't let go. Letting go of you seemed, at that moment, that I'd be letting go of you forever. Did I ever even make a difference in your life? ..did you really care about me the way I thought you had?  
  
As always, you knew how I was feeling, and whispered, "I won't leave you. Don't worry." And what I've done now, it's obviously worse than letting go. I wonder if you still remember that. Those and this phrase, this last phrase you told me..."That was in the past. It doesn't matter anymore." It echoes in my head even now. You weren't referring to us then. But you might as well have. It's in the past. It doesn't matter anymore. You've moved on already. Perhaps, someday, I can find the strength to follow your example..  
  
"When you look back on what we have, don`t shed a tear, but smile, because it happened.." Smile..how can I? 


End file.
